Rating: PG
Pairing: Angel/Spike
Summary: Spike takes Angel to see Return of the King
Note: This is a humor fic and therefore, it does poke fun at Return of the King. Die-hard, absolute-no-mocking-of-ROTK fans should read at own risks. Otherwise, have fun! :)
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This must be fate's way of revenge for saying, "Do your worst!"
And you know what, I didn't even say that.
That stupid bleached blonde next to me did. He said it while watching Fear Factor and laughing his idiotic ass off at the crazy stunts while claiming they're too easy.
But does he get to suffer? Of course not. I do.
"Stupid childe, building your happiness on my pain…" I mumble and shoot him the most vicious glare I can muster without shifting into game face.
Damn vampire hearing, because he just turns to me and grins annoyingly. "Stop pouting, you poof. Or are you trying to compensate for that overhanging forehead of yours?"
I continue to glare and it has no effect on him. Not that it's any surprise.
"I do not pout." I object. I do not pout. I just don't see why Spike insisted on dragging me to see this movie. And I don't want to be here. And I'm not whining! "And I don't have an overhanging forehead." I add as I gingerly touch my forehead. So not overhanging.
I hear him snort at my action and I quickly snatch my hand away from my face then use it to smack "Shh! It's starting."
Wonderful, this movie opens with two people fishing and not fifteen minutes later; one has strangled the other to death.
Of course, Spike is ecstatic while I have learned to despise four words: Return of the King.
Then the movie drones on about various mystical creatures, half of which I see at work and a ring that has the power to rule all. Again, there are at least two dozens of rings with similar power in the storage room on the seventh floor.
Huh, now it shifts to a slimy-looking guy with a filthy rag that's not doing anything to cover his privates. Hmm, I think I had something like that while stumbling along the streets of New York looking for rats. Ick. Best not think of those days, I still avoid going to New York because the air seems to make my skin crawl.
Huh, now this Gollum is talking to himself. Is this Spike's way of making fun of Angelus and me? If it is, then I'm not amused. It is not funny. He only walked in on me talking to the mirror once. Once! Not that Angelus and I have regular conversations or anything. Never mind.
I think I'm really starting like this Gollum, he reminds me of this idiot fledging Dru made once. Everything that can go wrong with turning someone went wrong. The result was entertaining to say the least.
More boring stuff. Blah. Blah. Blah.
An elf -- even though real elves look nothing like him -- with long blonde hair seems to excite a fit of giggles from the girls sitting five rows below us with his appearance.
God, it's annoying.
But they shut up pretty quick when after their second giggle fest, a rain of popcorn falls in their direction.
It's kind of cool to see.
Ohh! A guy is on fire and runs off the cliff.
Maybe this isn't so horrible after all. Spike should have told me it was a comedy.
It's amusing for any vampire or fire-fearing demon when someone else is on fire. It's sort of like "Ha ha, it's not happening to me!"
Err…scratch the comedy thought. No one else in the theater is laughing besides Spike and me. Not a good sign.
Despite Spike's claim of his love and his absolute need to see this movie, he seems as bored as I am. He fidgets in his seat, throws popcorn at people's head, laughs at inappropriate moments -- all right, I do it too, sue me. I have better lawyers -- and refers to the hobbit named Sam as the "fat one" while making up dialogues between the fat…Err, I mean Sam and Frodo.
"You're as bored as I am, let's go." I suggest quietly.
It surprises me when Spike refuses. "Nah, peaches. Just wait a bit. There's something I want to show you."
"What do you want to show me? You haven't seen this movie before either."
"I didn't see it, but I saw the scene when I sneaked into it while waiting for Love Actually."
"You saw Love Actually?"
"Hey! It's a British film! Have to support my country somehow!"
"You saw Love Actually?!"
"You brainless poof! Would you stop repeating that?"
"You saw Love Actually?!"
"You sound like a broken record now. And by the way, it wasn't me who broke your Mozart record."
"You saw Love… What about my Mozart… Hey!"
Our conversation is interrupted as a rain of popcorn lands on our heads.
Spike snickers as he brushes off the popcorn on his shoulder. "You look quite fetching with the popcorn in your hair."
"Shut up." I shake my head and watch in disgust as a piece of popcorn falls on my lap. "That one has butter!" I glare at the stain on my pants.
"Stop your whining. The important scene is coming on."
Apparently wiping the butter stain with my sleeve isn't the best idea. Now I have two stains. Lovely.
I almost snarl when Spike pokes me on my side but then I hear the fat…Sam…oh screw it! the fat one is saying something in response to something Frodo has said about his burden.
At that moment, I know why Spike had to drag me to see this poor excuse of a film.
"I can't carry it for you, but I can carry you." Spike whispers this in my ear the same time as the fat one does.
This is what Spike's trying to say all along. I grab his hand and link my fingers through his. "You'll carry me?"
"Yeah, but you need to lose some of that lard on your potbelly first."
"I do not have a potbelly and I am not fat!"
"Whatever. Fat one."
"Hey! You're the fat one! You said his quote."
Another shower of popcorn falls on us and the moment is lost.
Not sure if we did have a moment though, he started insulting -- no wait, making false accusations -- about my weight immediately after the fat one has spoken.
Now that the scene is over, maybe we can leave…or not. As I begin to rise, Spike grips my arm and yanks me back down in my seat.
"What are you doing? Let's get out of here."
"Nah, want to see if Gollum gets the ring or not."
So due to Spike's fascination and support of Gollum -- he seems to be the only one in the theater rooting for Gollum -- I stay.
This is the closest I've come to being on a date with him, despite the fact that this is no doubt a form of torture.
Spike cackles at something on screen that obviously shouldn't be laughed at. Oddly enough, I find it to be endearing rather than annoying. Must get my head checked. I pull my duster over us as more popcorn rains from above.
END